Perfect Family Tales And Other Trivia

The art of the short-story writer is that of the cartoonist. It is the magical craft of creating entire worlds with a few simple strokes of a pen. Tales told by an idiot? Maybe! But my tales are also a mix of reality and fantasy; truth and lies; some based on my own family; others, not. Readers must guess which characters are real; who are inventions - and who are an amalgam of both. Please draw the boundaries for yourself.

Wednesday 29 May 2013

‘Little Miss Know-All’

Bebe scrambled her way up to the highest stone in the rock garden and spread her arms wide.

“Daddy!” she yelled, “Now it’s my birthday and I’m four, I know everything.”  FFDO.BLOGHOP

“Ha, ha, my darling,” said Peter Stanley. “What exactly do you know?”

“Umm. I know I shouldn’t be up here on the rocks ‘coz Mummy says I could fall and get hurt. I know how to count to one hundred and say all the letters of the alphabet. I can also write my name.”

“You’re my clever, special birthday girl,” said Peter. “Anything else before I help you get down and give you a big hug and a kiss?”

“Yes, Daddy. I know  that my birthday treat will be a Barbie doll, a pizza and ice-cream at Poppa Pizza with you, Mummy, Grandma and Grandpa.”

“Is that it?”

“Erm, I don’t think so,” said Bebe. “I need to tell you that I don’t want tomato on my pizza.”

“Why’s that?” laughed her Dad.

“Well, Mummy gave me those little round tomatoes at dinner-time. She said they’re called ‘cherry tomatoes’ because of how they look and taste. But I don’t really like any tomatoes because of the bits they have on top. They scare me.

“Y’mean the stalks?”

“Umm, yes. They look like spiders and I hate spiders. Ugh! And there’s something else.”

“What?”

“I told Mummy that yesterday when I was watching telly, I saw her through the window in the garden  talking to Greg next door. He has hairs under his nose which look like furry spider’s legs.”

“It isn’t nice to talk about how other people look, poppet. Try to say only kind things. O.K.?”

“But Daddy, I don’t know why Mummy got so mad when I said I saw Greg give her three of those little tomatoes from his house made of glass.”Little.Miss.Know.All

“I also don’t know why, honey. I’ll ask Mummy, if you like.”

“Was it ‘coz I said I saw him give her another one, from his mouth into hers and then their two mouths got sort of stuck together like twins? Y’know, Daddy, just like Aunty Tracy’s new babies. They’re so cute!”

Natalie Wood

(Copyright, Natalie Irene Wood – 29 May 2013)

 

Friday 24 May 2013

‘My Enemy Tastes Better Eaten Hot’

* Extracts from an exclusive interview  given to  internationalnewsandviews.com, your 24/7 online news and film service.

“Khaled al-Hamad leaned against the side of  his battered car and  lit a cigarette.

“He invited me to take a drag, which I declined.

“’Everyone refuses to understand. But you seem reasonable. Will you let me explain?’

“I nodded.

Picture Credit: ‘Truth Loader’

“’My so-called ‘cannibalism’ was not just about war. It was not merely about blood and honour or even the humiliation of a woman and her two daughters, all fully naked. This conflict is eating the heart of my people.

Khaled.al.Hamad“’Let me illustrate,’ he said, gobbing  the words so hard his spittle hit the ground in bullets.  ‘I love Syria much more than I loathe our Jewish pig neighbours in Israel. So when I discovered that the dead dog’s mobile phone contained images of children being murdered along with rapes, torture and dismemberment, I gave him a taste of his own medicine.

“’Believe me’, continued the Syrian rebel fighter also known as Abu Sakkar, ’if the bloodshed in Syria continues at this rate, the few people left will behave like I do now.

“’It is Bashar al-Assad and his cohorts who are the true cannibals, not me. I may have eviscerated and consumed the heart and liver of one of their men but they have violated - laid to waste - the soul of our beloved country. You can see the result for yourself. I’ll never regret my action. Indeed, I’ll be happy to do it again and over until the end.

“’I hope to slaughter all the Alawites,’” added Hamad. ‘Maybe,’ he added eagerly, ‘you’d like to see another video clip showing me ‘sawing’ a member of the pro-regime Shabiha militia with the same axe I use to saw trees? I hacked him in small pieces and in large ones. It gave me as much pleasure as seeing a pilot’s head cut off and roasted on a grill. I can smell the aroma even now. Then I and the others drank the corpse’s health with his own blood. It was most noble; quite simply,  a life-changing moment.

“’Are you sure you don’t want to share my cigarette?’”

--------------- 

Natalie Wood

(Copyright, Natalie Irene Wood – 24 May 2013)

Saturday 4 May 2013

‘Open Mike!’

Open.Mike.02Amy Reynolds pushed her way, smiling,  through the mass of tables shaking hands and air-kissing as she went. Then she mounted the podium, waited for the buzz to subside, and began to speak.

“Hi, y’all”, she said in an assured drawl which startled all who knew her. “It’s great that Michael and I are surrounded by close family and friends on this special night.

“Thirty years seem a long time, but they’ve disappeared in a wink. And what better way to celebrate our Pearl Wedding Anniversary than at the Fulborough Poets and Pedants Society where we’ve had so much fun?

“I realise,” Amy went on, “that most of you are beyond surprised to see me up here - and speaking note-free. As I’ve always been labelled a slow thinker and passive onlooker among a crowd of articulate, wisecracking wordsmiths, I’ve rarely performed anyone’s work, let alone my own. But I’d like these few lines now to strike the beginning of a change.

“Why,” she continued, allowing a rehearsed grin to slide slowly across her face, “the club chose to use an ‘open-mike’ night to celebrate our marriage, I don’t understand. After all, my dear husband has always been something of a closed book. To everyone but me, of course!

“While our daughter, Alison, is long accustomed to our finishing each others’ sentences, we in turn  realise that we’ve begun to look alike, and that our main distinguishing feature is  that Mike has more hair on his chin than on his pate. Meanwhile, when I boast I’ve lost weight, he retorts that I’ve probably left it on the dressing table  between my hearing aids and glasses!

“But,” she added amid theatrical groans and  whoops, “tonight is also a time for tributes.

“I can’t forget, for example, that it’s thanks to Iris Burton,  first my schoolmate, then work colleague and – umm - long-term friend, that I joined the society and met Michael.

“’I’d like to give you  a token of my esteem,’ you said Iris, as I left N R Insurance after a row. ‘We haven’t always seen eye to eye. But I know you love literature and are desperate to fill the void  left by a lack of formal higher education. So here’s a copy of Palgrave’s Golden Treasury’.

“What a shame you had forgotten to cover our old school stamp on the flyleaf or to erase the scribbled  comment about me on the page featuring Keats’s La Belle Dame Sans Merci. Or had I been meant to see it?”

Iris coloured slightly and called back, “Oh, c’mon, Amy. It was just a joke. Anyway, you’ve said that it was through me that you first came here.”

“I can’t argue with that, Iris,” agreed Amy, smiling again.

“But I must ask, while I’m on track, if you, your husband John or indeed, Mike – had  intended that I should find something else: paperwork belonging to a bank account that  Mike opened twenty-eight years ago in favour of your daughter, Tricia?

“I came across it last week when I was  spring cleaning. Although I’d no idea that Mike had decided to strengthen our two families’ friendship with this generous continuing contribution towards Tricia’s upkeep, it reminded me of something mysteriously sweet I glimpsed when our two darling girls were babies.

“Please don’t go,” she appealed as Iris and John half-rose from their seats in an attempt to leave. “I’d love you to stay and help me to lead a toast to friendship. I’d also appreciate your help in clearing the mystery up.

“It’s something that’s puzzled me for the past twenty-eight-and-a-half years. A riddle that I’ve tried to solve since I cared for both girls during a weekend when the three of you - Mike, Iris and John – were away at a poetry festival. I couldn’t fathom it. How, I wondered then, and am beginning to comprehend in my slow way only now, did I find that Tricia and Allie each bore  a mauve button birthmark on their right buttock? An identical tiny blotch, in the exact place as that on my soul mate Mike? Baby.Birthmark

“The same little beauty spot that late Grandma Reynolds insisted had passed through a dozen generations. It was the family trademark, she’d smirk after a thimbleful of brandy. "‘X’ has always marked the beauty spot. Know what I mean?’”

Natalie Wood

(Copyright, Natalie Irene Wood – 04 May 2013)